Listen, everybody is talking about it. Feasterbush. It’s a beautiful event. It’s a great event. We’re doing things that nobody has ever seen before. People come up to me and they say, "Sir, how do we handle Feasterbush?" And I tell them, it’s simple. We’re going to make it the greatest event in history.
Q: Who is allowed to come to Feasterbush?
A: Only the men. It’s going to be very exclusive. Very high quality. We want the best people, the strongest men. No shabbies! We’re tired of the shabbies, aren’t we? If you look like a disaster, stay home. We want winners. We want men who know how to dress, how to stand tall, and how to represent this great event.
Q: What kind of drinks are we serving?
A: We’re talking about the Finest Ales. Not that watery stuff the fake news media drinks. We’re talking gold-standard brews. If it’s not a premier ale, we don’t want it. We’re going to have the most beautiful taps you’ve ever seen. Believe me, you’ve never tasted anything like it.
Q: I love salads, can I bring a side dish?
A: No. Wrong! We eat Pig. Only Pig. We love the pigs, don’t we? It’s going to be a total pig-out, but a very classy one. Bacon, ham, pork chops—it’s going to be a beautiful thing. If it’s not a pig product, it’s not getting past the gate. We’re going to have so much pork, you’re going to get tired of eating pork!
Q: How do we play soccer at Feasterbush?
A: We play it the right way. The gentlemanly way. We’re going to win so much at soccer, but we’re going to be very nice about it. Very polite. No cheap shots. We want a clean game, a beautiful game. And when it’s over, we do the Firm Handshake. Not a weak handshake. I’ve seen some weak handshakes, folks, and it’s a disgrace. At Feasterbush, we grip, we shake, and we show respect.
Q: Can I bring my firearms?
A: One hundred percent. We love the Second Amendment. We love it. You bring your firearms, you keep them safe, and you show them off because we respect the right to bear arms in this country. It’s a beautiful right, and we’re going to protect it at Feasterbush like nobody has ever protected it before.
Q: What about the flag and the country?
A: We love the flag. We respect the flag. If you don't respect the flag, you’re in the wrong place. We love God, we love our country, and we love Feasterbush. It’s a beautiful triad. We’re going to stand tall, we’re going to be proud, and we’re going to make Feasterbush greater than ever before!